22 10 / 2012

So for about a month I’ve been trying to read this damn series. I think ill have to give up. I love books. I love to dip into a different reality. Let my mind explore all these unlikely possibilities. But puh-lease! There is no way that anything in this book would ever happen. From the extremely gorgeous billionaire to the incredibly sex life, to the not shaving your privates. No gorgeous bachelor who is also extremely wealthy, would give up his high end sex habits, without signing a pre nup for some virgin that doesn’t even take care of her bikini presence. Not to mention that literature wise the whole series doesn’t challenge anymore than twilight. I believe it would possibly even kill brain cells. No story line. And everytime there is one to start with, it gets interrupted with repeatedly boring sex acts and then dropped completely. I’m sorry women of the world. If this is your only way to pick up a book, then why don’t you just watch porn instead. I believe there should be something to keep you interested. Unfortunately I can’t put down a book unless I finish it. And I’ve been dragging myself to read it. Normally it would take me about a week for all three books. But over a month and a half?? Someone please put some sense into women who enjoy this. And start publishing books that really deserve it, books that would challenge you intellectually and not just your libido. I had so many expectations for those books and got heart broken when I realized women of this world are not one bit better than 15yr old boys that jerk off to clips on youtube. At least stand your point instead of pretending to be a big reader. You are clearly not.

24 9 / 2012

Why do love and hate always come together? Is it possible to truly love someone. Other than family? And why is it easier to forgive friends, to be yourself around friends? Everytime I’m around a guy I care about I feel pressured to be perfect. I start out being myself, and I think, this is it. He’s the one I’ve been waiting for. The true love, the man that will like me for me. And then it changes. I change. And I can’t stop it. Why can’t I be myself? Everything he says seems to be a reason to leave him. Not being compatible. Even if its the most stupid thing. Trust issues. Not only him cheating on me but believing he will hurt me. Like everyone before. Love seems to be a waste of time. Most couples I know feel like things go wrong after a couple years, I can’t even make it a couple months. Maybe I don’t have the ability to be with someone. Never learned what it would be like to share your life with someone. Completely share everything. All I learned was betrayal, cheating and pain. And if I don’t have the ability, then I won’t be able to receive lifes so called treasure. In this case if you got no arms, you can’t possibly reach for cookies. And if cookies wouldn’t be amazing, people wouldn’t try to get them all the time, so how do people grow new arms?? Is it possible? Or do you always have to ask someone to feed you those cookies? Love ought to be easy. Achievable for everyone. Especially for the ones that didn’t receive it as children. How can you fix that??

09 9 / 2012

Three days since my last blog. So much has changed. Me and the new guy broke up. Didn’t enjoy being apart from him after all. Here I was, thinking I didn’t even care about that dude, and now I’ve been begging him to take me back. He’s enjoying the power and I feel like I’m doing good since I never let him get his way ever before. Unfortunately, there was a contract involved. Something I would have never done. But thinking of 50 shades of grey.. I suppose the submissive side in me had to come out. So here I am, 23 years old. And owned by a guy. To a point obviously. The terms included 3 bday bjs, 2 starters, 2 nights of ass action, each at his leisure. No more fighting, no telling him what he can’t or can do. I won’t make him watch pretty little liars with me ( amazing show, if you haven’t seen it you should start it. Netflix has it). I have to give the office a chance, which doesn’t look appealing to me whatsoever. I can’t have a friend pick me up when we do fight and I wanna get away. I will start making decisions, like what’s for dinner, and I had to send a dirty picture by 10.30 pm tonight. And he would take me back. Now I’m a pretty open person about these changes. And the risk of him messing with me kinda excites me. I will now have to wait a week till the contract starts. I can’t wait. I’m not the housewife type. I’m bossy and damn stubborn. So this is gonna be drastic for me. He got his picture two hours early. So I hope ill get some brownie points for that. We will see. I’m not sure whether I am being stupid or if I should just take this as a life lesson. Sure I could have just left, I’m young and I got game haha. But I think I like the thrill of this new chapter. If it doesn’t work for me then I can always forfeit. Right now it feels good fighting for something though. I believe I have given up too easy before. And as long as I keep my heart out of the game I will be fine. So I will take this opportunity to find my strenghts and also my lines. I’ve been dominant long enough, time for a change!

07 9 / 2012

I believe I should have kept this blog up. Write my life down while I can. Mr. Wrong has been gone for almost 6 months. Bad me started hooking up with someone new only a little bit after the break up. Hey! Guys aren’t the only ones that need rebounds. Get my mind of things. Worked. For a while. Somehow my head reminds me that my idiot heart must have enjoyed the abuse of the last. Him sending me text and emails ain’t helping either. Guess his new betch must have dumped him. Hmm. Like T. Swift likes to say right now, I’m never ever getting back together. How does she always have a perfect song for every day of your life? I wouldn’t be surprised if I found a bonus song somewhere about baking cookies at night. Hah! Never mind. Its called thug story and she thinks its cute when she raps. Hate her. Anyways. Got side tracked for a second. New guy. He’s ok. But I think I should just be by myself right now. Live the single life. Go out and do me. And nooo. I’m not talking about whoring around. But my grandpa once told me, ” if a guy wants to give you the world, take it. If he’s dumb enough to do it, he deserves to be taken advantage of.” Gotta love good ol’ gramps. And why not? Life is short. I’m not lucky enough to find Mr. Right yet, why not have fun while looking for him? No one should ever settle. Especially not when somewhere out there, is someone that is enough like you to be compatible with and strangely different enough to be fun. Love doesn’t have to be you and someone else. It can be you enjoying your life on your own. Getting that new pair of shoes and having no one telling you they were way to expensive or make you look like a hooker. But random strangers at a bar call you hot. Or.. at a church. Don’t know what kind of activities you might prefer? Be you! If they don’t like you, who gives a rats ass? Life is supposed to be about making the best of every second and be happy. You don’t wanna wake up with 70 and be like, damn that one guy at the club back then was super hot. I wish I had been drunk enough to take him home. If you’re thinking about it, and you know you are, do it! Don’t be afraid of others judging you. They either have done worse, or wish they could pull that of. I’ve decided fairytale right now means seeing myself with a different light and not giving a damn. Oh yeah.

07 9 / 2012

So it’s been a while. Way too long actually. Let me catch you up. My knight in shining tin foil decided he should distant himself. We shouldn’t live together anymore, only see each other on weekends, or special occasions. That worked perfectly, for about a week. Then I went two weeks without seeing him, and he had better things to do on his birthday as well, and the weekend after his birthday he was incredibly sick and couldn’t get out of bed to see me. Sounds all pretty plausible right? So I ended things. And he told everyone he kicked me out and dumped me.. but still tries to blame me for leaving him in such a bad time. Where do I find these losers I call my loves? Even Walmarts half price shelf has better quality than that. So i get rid of him. And I’m doing incredibly well for the first couple weeks, I meet new people, even a rebound guy. But i lose interest in the things that made me forget for just a while, and i finally have to face the pain of a long term relationship ending for me. Like wth? Why do I have to deal with his lies and his betrayal when I should have been perfectly fine? I finally slept without drugging myself into a subconscious coma. And I finally smiled and actually meant it. So why do I miss a guy that made my life miserable. Why do I get upset when he talks to other girls and treats me like shit again? I’m sorry, but why can’t i just be happy with myself? I’m young.. I don’t need to settle down right now.. I don’t even need to be with someone. I can just focus on myself for a while, and believe that there will be a better person out there, willing to give just as much as I did. I have to love myself before I can anyone else in, and my ex made me realize that even more. Kisses for you jerkface for opening my eyes on what I deserve :)

07 9 / 2012

I’m to the point where the only thing I got from my boyfriend on valentines day, was an ass beating in Words with friends. Romantic right? Somewhat, since he seems to use a lot of those cheesy words, that score high, but I’ve never actually heard coming out of his mouth. So again I’m to the point where I ask myself, why am I staying with him again? Because as far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t love me, nor cares for me, nor wants to kiss or love on me. Best friend status, but not allowed to hook up with other people, umm yeah.. I know it will make me sound like a teenage boy, but momma needs her sugar, bad. He screws up, I end up begging for him to stay, he flirts with other women, I turn around tell him it’s my fault. Wait what? Yes, you read right, I lost my mind. The person that was outgoing and cheerful, happy and took care of herself is gone. Don’t know where to, but if I don’t get rid of this dead weight she ain’t coming back.

So.. How about someone steps up and smacks some sense into me?

07 9 / 2012

So.. let’s be honest. I couldn’t do it and apparently neither could he. One thing doesn’t change, no matter how many lies he tells, or how many times he makes me cry, I can’t stay mad and leave. Is that love? Or is that just naive on my part? I’d like to say love, although I know it’s probably the other one. And what’s up with all the happy couples, that even after a year together still feel the need to stick their tongue in each others mouth all the damn time? Yea, we all noticed you are happy, so get a room before I make it my profession to take walks in the park and poison happy couples! YOU are the reason my relationship seems to be missing something! maybe it’s perfectly fine the way we are living together. Not really communicating, or you know.. anything. But you all make it 10 times worse.

anyways. just a little thought i had to get out of my head for the night.

07 9 / 2012

Ever had those light bulb moments? Where you can see that little comic light going on in your head? I had one of those recently. Thinking about, no matter how much I wanted him to be the way he used to be, it will never happen. Just like only because you put a cat in the oven, doesn’t mean you will take cookies out. Sounds quite simple, and as if even a 5 year old should be smart enough to understand that… Well I kept putting that cat back (figuratively, i love cats), hoping that somehow, I’d get me some damn cookies. Thing is, my boyfriend never changed, never gave me the attention i was hoping for, or the love I really wanted in return, he never makes me feel like a princess, or even like I mean the world to him. Yes, I get the daily “I love you” and a quick good night kiss every night, but is that enough? Am I asking for too much, by wanting him to carry me to bed once a month and make passionate love to me? Or is that already too cheesy?

So finally we talked. For the first time in a long time, actually reasonable, without fighting, yelling or that kind of stuff, okay.. i gotta be honest it was texting, or probably it would have ended that way. But, we came to the conclusion, that maybe we are not meant to be together, just how we thought in the beginning. Maybe, loving someone is NOT enough. And yes, to you that seems like it shouldn’t be too hard to figure out, but to me it came as a shock. I admit, I like to complain about him, I like to complain to him, and I hate all those little things he does that drive me insane and want to hit him with a semi.. But not meant for each other? After two years of fighting for this. Defending it to all those non-believers, this is supposed to be it? I mean just last night I thought, I’m stuck in a relationship, where i feel alone more than in a couple, and maybe I should be alone to find someone that wants to give me this feeling, but to actually go through with it… Guess I’ll find out how that will work out…

07 9 / 2012

Love is exhausting. Trying to keep the other person happy, but still remember who you are. Pretending that him picking his nose, or dripping on the toilet seat doesn’t annoy the crap out of you, but that you like those little flaws that makes him human. BULLSH*T! You tell yourself you don’t want to change him and for the people that really found the perfect match, congratulations! It doesn’t look that way for the rest of us. If a fairy godmother would come by, and offer you to change him, just the way you want it, maybe be more affectionate, clean up after himself, or love your mother, you would! “But that would make it boring” WHATEVER! It makes it easy, not having to worry about being embarrassed when he farted again, at the local gym, with 20 people around. I wouldn’t be bored if he for a change watched a chick flick with me, instead of chasing down beers with his buddies. If he took me out to a nice restaurant more than twice a year, birthday and anniversary, and only because I make him. We are way past the honey moon phase, and considering my life isn’t a Disney movie, all these thoughts will stay just that. A dream that won’t come true unless I have something to blackmail him with. Unfortunately he picked up on that and he doesn’t leave good opportunities.

So, the question is, give up on a fairytale and settle for a life that seems to be missing excitement? Or move on, trying to find Prince Charming and leaving something that was perfectly fine, for guys that don’t believe in giving their girlfriend the fairy tale they always dreamed of.

07 9 / 2012

I used to believe in fairy tales. Just like every other girl, I loved to watch those romances, movies that made me think that somewhere out there is someone special, just for me, my very own prince charming. Then, after several failed relationships, I finally thought I found him. Everything was perfect, I was the giddy, annoying friend that couldn’t shut up about how AMAZING he was. The exact same person I now hate with passion, because I know it’s a state of mind, that vanishes way too early, and mostly because it turns out that Mr. Perfect isn’t so perfect after all. You try to tell yourself that you don’t want him to be, that it just gives you a challenge, that you like to keep it “fresh”. Maybe that will work out for you. But certainly not for me. After two years, i still love him to death, but unfortunately, that’s a long way to go. So, is this what I’ve been dreaming about 20 years ago? To spend my Saturday nights watching him play XBOX, while he bribes me with books to read, so I won’t ask for attention? Or even worse to take me out? I thought that was something teenage girls had to deal with. You can imagine, it’s not surprising I’ve been thinking about breaking it off. I don’t want to waste the supposedly best time of my life, waiting for him to be affectionate again, or to be proud of me accomplishing something in my life, while he expects me to cheer over his kill rate, to show me off, after I’ve been working my butt off at the gym. But I keep telling myself that as soon as he gets out of this funk, changes his job, or doesn’t have all those bills coming up, that it will change, that things will go back to how they used to be. Or that it will come to an end.

So I start off this blog about a possible end. Or a new beginning.